Hemato-WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?!?

Hello Loves,

Today I'm going to write about my traumatic doctor's appointment yesterday.  It would be ill advised to continue to read if you do not want to hear the yucky and the gross involved.

So... I would stop reading now if it's gonna bother you.  I promise, I won't mind.  I'll even make note right before I get into the real grossies.

Yesterday morning I went in to have the last of my staples removed from the incision I have been affectionately referring to as "Big Bertha".  Big Bertha is the largest of my incisions.  She sits directly over where most of the action took place and guards many many internal sutures and general owwies.

I was able to get all the other staples removed from all the other incisions on Monday but Bertha was... well... she had been draining a bit and was SUPER sore so the doctor and I decided to leave them in until Friday.

On the night before my ill fated doctor's appointment (Thursday) I had been hanging out with Sara and commented that I still didn't feel like things were okay with Bertha.  I mentioned that it was still really hard and swollen all around the staples... pretty far around them actually.  I was concerned that maybe the internal sutures had torn or that things were just not healing at the incision site correctly and I was going to talk to the MD about it at my appointment.

Fast forward about 12 hours to Friday morning.  My favorite nurse and I discussed my weight loss, she felt around the incision and determined that there wasn't any heat coming from it and let me know that some times there is just a lot of swelling with that particular incision but it should go down after the staples are removed. 

Boy oh boy... she had no idea how accurate that statement was.

Extracting staples, as it turns out, is exceptionally easy.  She popped out those 5 bad boys and turned to throw them away when all hell broke lose.

** This is the part where I start talking about gross things **

I looked down and shifted just enough to see the actual incision when all of a sudden a thick and heavy stream of blood started POURING out of it.  I cupped a hand beneath Bertha, felt blood start to pool in it and exclaimed something profound like "OH MY GOD!".  Leslie (my favorite nurse) turned from the sink and also said "OH MY GOD!" grabbed some gauze, pressed it to BB and then ran out to the hall to yell for Doctor Brewer.  Her exact words (I'm not sure I'll ever forget) were "Doctor Brewer.  Doctor BREWER!  We need you in here.  It's an emergency".    Bless her heart.  I'm sure she was trying to get his attention, but it scared the every living shit out of me.

Dr. Brewer came in with Cody, the PA, and they both gloved up and started grabbing gauze.  I was on the verge of absolute blind panic and could feel myself giving that wild-eyed scared-animal look to Cody while I stammered out "What's happening?? WHAT'S HAPPENING?  I don't understand... what's going on?!?!"  He responded, quite UN-helpfully with "We don't know yet".

Now comes the interlude where I sit back and try to calm down while Cody and Doc B spend several minutes trying to soak up the blood that is still emptying from my body.  I forced Dr Brewer to tell me REPEATEDLY that everything was okay and that I was going to be fine.  Mostly because it didn't FEEL like that was the case.  It felt like I was bleeding.  A LOT.  It felt scary and disorienting and painful.  It felt like absolute terror mixed with a tinge of horror at the sheer amount of blood that was, just, escaping.

FINALLY he told me what was happening (Dr. Brewer, thy name is not synonymous with bed side manner).  Evidently we just discovered that I had a hematoma (A localized swelling filled with blood resulting from a break in a blood vessel) the size of a softball leftover from my surgery.    I wasn't ACTUALLY bleeding... it was the hematoma draining.  Dr Brewer said, at one point after everything had calmed down, "I'm pretty sure we told you it would drain" and I responded with "I'm pretty sure you did NOT tell me the draining would look like ALL OF MY BLOOD WAS LEAVING MY BODY".  It's possible that Dr. Brewer doesn't want to be my doctor anymore.

This whole process was disgusting and gory.  They pushed on it and got all of the blood and clotting out.  It made noise, there was more bleeding.  It was a fucking horror movie.

But that's not even the worst part (for me).  The WORST part is that after it was drained, I was informed that I would have to tuck a corner of a piece of gauze into my OPEN WOUND every night so it could drain further.  Every night for... until it's healed.  WHEN WILL THAT BE?!?!?!

Me.  Tucking guaze.  Into a wound.   That is open.  A deep incision that is just hanging out on MY FrankenTummy.

This sounds like maybe not a big deal.  It certainly wasn't to Dr. Brewer.  But to ME?  This is a god damn nightmare.  I'm not kidding you.  I am borderline phobic about this.  He told me to just take a shower and pull out the guaze he'd tucked in there and then let the water and soap wash in and over the wound.

I'm gagging and curling in on myself a little as I write this.

I had my first attempt last night.  LATE last night.  It was... omg... one of the lowest and most horrible moments of my life.  I cried so hard in the shower I was afraid I was going to wake the neighbors.  I was that crazy chick sobbing in the shower in that one movie where the crazy chick does that.  Why, you ask?  Because no matter how I tried I could not get the gauze out.  I wiggled it and tugged on it and pulled gently.  I, on the verge of hyperventilating, pulled firmly and rocked back and forth until it finally pulled out.  It was the size of the top half of my pinkie finger.

I dry heaved.  In my shower.  Had there been food in my tummy I'm sure I would have just straight up vomited.

I was so tired and so freaked-the-fuck out that I couldn't even process putting a new piece back in.  I had to call MY MOM to talk me into it.  And by that I mean I had to babble incoherently while sobbing at her that I can't do it.

I started and stopped and started and stopped at least a half dozen times before I was finally able to get the job at least partially done. 

I have no idea if I did it right.  It doesn't FEEL like I did.  It hurts more than when Dr Brewer did it.  It's not draining as much.  The whole area feel warm to the touch and I am TOTALLY messed up about the fact that I have to do it AGAIN TONIGHT.

If you've managed to read up until this point, I'm impressed.

I have no idea how I'm gonna manage to take care of this business this evening.  It's just about that time and I'm just about boggled.

Guess I'll just find my way to the same point I got to last night.

On a good note, at least yesterday, the doctor said there was no sign of infection, so we're gonna keep on keeping it that way.

I am so SO thankful this happened at their office and not at home.

Anyway... Wish me luck.  Send me good vibes as it is once more unto the breach I go.

Love ya,
Mamy