... without a dope beat to step to... step to... step to... step to... step to... step to.... fricky-fricky-fricky.
Whew. That totally had to happen. It started with the thought that "It's been a long time" as I looked at the date of my last blog and it just tumbled into Aaliyah lyrics that had to come out.
Like some kind of lyrical face hugger.
Friends, I'm not going to lie... I have no idea how to make tonight's blog have any sort of form or substance. I've been kind of all over the place lately and figure that's as authentic as it's gonna get, might as well write that shit down in whatever order it comes tumbling out.
And if at first I don't succeed...first I don't succeed... (in adequately explaining something), I'll just dust myself off and try again - try again (with another blog at a later time).
See what I did there? BAM! More Aaliyah.
Okay... back to business. What's been going on with the Mamers? I'm gonna start rambling and see where this goes.
I have been very busy doing almost nothing of any relevance.
I no longer have a job. I have not heard anything from the jobs I've applied for. I have no money because my previous company hasn't paid me out for, well, anything yet. I lack energy at pretty much any time of the day, yet my brain is buzzing constantly. I'm a bit sad, and a bit hopeless lately. I may or may not have cried for no reason this afternoon.
**Whoa, that... this is a bit of a darker tone. Didn't see it going here, but let's continue**
Folks, this feels an awful lot like a little bit of depression. I think I heard a rumor that it's pretty common after this surgery to have an encounter with it. In MY case, this is a feeling I am quite familiar with as I have battled this douchebag most, if not all, of my adult life.
Mamy you don't SEEM depressed. You're even making jokes in your blog! Right now!! This very second!
RIGHT YOU ARE!
It has always been the case with me that I can push it back and try for the smile. For years and years I've been able to do that. Because I honestly believe that the tiniest light chips away at it's roots and, man, isn't that the better option? I would rather feel that then give up. Also... my drug of choice has ALWAYS been people. So when I see you my smile is genuine, my heart is happy and my hug is so very real. You light up my life and chase away all the sad, bad, stupid shit. It is washed away in the glittering incandescence of you being you. If you ask, I'll probably tell you that I'm fine and, in that moment, I truly will be.
Kinda makes it hard for you, my sweet friends and loves, to figure out where I am when I say things like "I might be depressed". It's a big statement that has so much stigma and confusion around it, so I'll make you a promise. I solemnly swear to tell you if I need you. Cross my heart.
And, rest assured, I am fighting the urge to stop trying and just relax into it.
I'm mean... pretty sure I've heard from reliable sources that it hurts less if you just relax into it, but I'm not gonna do thaaa.... no... no wait... that's not what they were talking about... they were talking about anal. Totally different conversation. My bad. ;)
I'll be okay. I know I will. The blues haven't beat me yet. I just need to sort things out and come up with a game plan. Lists. I need lists. I need to write down the things I need to do to get the things done that need to be done. I'm no good without a game plan.
And good stuff IS happening!! Evan is coming to town! And I'm going to see Empire Records and Tyrone Wells! And I've lost about 60 lbs and I have you!
I never planned on writing this particular blog and have been back and forth about posting it, oh, you know, eleventy-billion times. I don't want it to seem like a whiny story or a cry for help or a guilt trip.
This blog is supposed to be an account of my year. It is supposed to be a creative outlet for me to work with what I'm good at. Just posting a highlight reel doesn't feel legit. Besides, so many people have told me that the thing they love about my blog is its honesty. I'd hate to lie through omission.
I love you guys.
~ Mamy ~
P.S. Aaliyah - Try Again. BAM!
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