Hello Friends,
It's time to write about something that has been brewing.
A move.
MY move.
Back home to Colorado.
As I type the words it's like I can feel the concrete setting around this little kernel of a plan.
I am... as with every decision I make EVER... totally terrified, but we'll get to that later. I'm thinking I'll type the terrors up in a list so that when I read this again in a year I can check off each one as TOTALLY NEUROTIC.
I've been trying to tell people individually. I didn't want to do a mass announcement, but, honestly, it's getting too stressful. I don't like seeing the faces of my loved ones when it sounds like I'm saying I'm abandoning them, so I'm taking the cowards route now and blogging about it instead.
I'm making this decision for purely emotional reasons. Lord knows moving to a state where the job market isn't tops and rent is through the roof isn't the smartest, most logical move. I just... I miss my family. I miss my babies. They aren't even babies anymore and I miss them every day. I don't want them to grow up without me. I need to be a tangible part of their lives. I miss my sister and my brother in law. I miss my mom. She doesn't live there, but she spends as much time as she CAN there and I'm missing out on that time. I miss my friends and, fuck, I miss Colorado.
Colorado is so beautiful. It's looking out a window and having Mother Nature tell you it'll be alright, on even your shittiest day. It's hikes with views that take your breath away even as you're begging your friends to go on without you. It's The Star at Christmas. It's gorgeous sunsets and cool nights and it generates a feeling of peace in the center of my being that my soul has been aching for.
I've been told it'll be easier to explain if I just tell everybody I'm moving back for the weed... maaan.
That's a falsehood... but one that people seem to accept with more ease.
I don't have a date yet. It'll be mid-July.
Mid-July. God, that's SO soon!
The excitement of moving back is tempered with a profound sadness at the thought of leaving the people I love here. I won't be ready to leave them in July. I know it. I'll be a heartbroken mess because soon it will be them I miss and their babies who grow up without me.
Can I handle missing framily dinners, late night backyard conversations and baby kisses? Hearing Carter tell everybody I'm his best friend? Or Edie telling me I'm beautiful in my dress and that she loves me?
Why is the screen all blurry and wibbly wobbly?
Shit.
I'm not good at emotion-ing.
*sigh*
The point of this post was to announce my plan and to say a little bit about why.
So I'll save my tears for later.
As always... I love you guys.
Mamy
Love you, Mamy. Focus on what you're moving toward, and know that you're leaving the location, not the friends. Not easy, I know, especially when there's So. Much. Love. It's a balance of the joy of reunion and the pain of separation... but your heart is big enough to hold them all closely. God bless you, dear Amy!
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